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Book of Harry Graham's famous and funny poems – authorized anthology
‘When Grandmama fell off the boat, And couldn’t swim (and wouldn’t float), Matilda just stood by and smiled. I almost could have slapped the child.’ When Grandmama Fell off the Boat is an anthology of the humorous verse of Harry Graham, one of the early 20th century’s wittiest writers. Graham made his name as the author of Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes, published in 1898 under the pseudonym Col. D. Streamer (he was a Coldstream Guard). He went on to become a successful writer of stage-show lyrics, and in 1923 had five smash-hit musicals running simultaneously in the West End of London. His work was published not only in England but also in America, where he was credited with introducing ‘sick’ verse. The Times in its 1936 obituary compared him with Edward Lear, Lewis Carroll and W. S. Gilbert, an epitaph that has stood the test of time. Graham’s secret is his ability to relate common episodes with a sardonic twist. A father irritated by his crying infant finds peace and quiet by popping him in the Frigidaire and a man whose wife elopes with the chauffeur despairs of ever starting the car. His callous and quotable rhymes became the table talk of a generation, influencing emerging writers such as W. H. Auden, George Orwell and Agatha Christie (see our blog on Literary Links). Although the ever popular Ruthless Rhymes was republished in 1996, When Grandmama Fell Off The Boat remains the only comprehensive selection of Graham’s verse, compiled with the help of his daughter, Virginia. It contains Graham’s best work: his sharpest satire, his most readily remembered lines and his humour at its darkest. A sample couplet from each poem is quoted in Preview (above). You can obtain a more extended excerpt, including the naked epic of The Bath (‘Remember wheresoe’er you be, To shut the door and turn the key!’), by registering for our free Downloads (above left). This authorized anthology is elegantly designed, and the text is complemented by delightful and amusing period illustrations by Fish, Fougasse and Ridgewell.  Download Advance Information Sheet Review ‘He is in the great tradition of Lear and Carroll and Gilbert and Belloc. At his best he easily ranks any of these.’ – Jeremy Nicholas, The Ruthless Rhymer, BBC Radio 4
‘I love the wicked humour of Harry Graham’s writing.’ – Paul Mayhew-Archer (co-writer of The Vicar of Dibley) ‘This ranks alongside the verses of Hilaire Beloc or Roald Dahl for its wonderful wickedness.’ – Daily Express 'A collection of brilliantly witty verse.' – The Oldie Review of Books ‘A very good collection, enhanced by the superb black and white period illustrations. The introduction by Miles Kingston paints an interesting portrait of Harry Graham’s life – and a life which Graham dipped into very deeply for much of his subject matter!’ – Paul Rance, booksmusictv.com ‘A delightful return to the hilarious Ruthless Rhymes of my childhood that were recited to us so frequently that we knew them all by heart, together with amusing and witty longer poems that are not so well known. As Miles Kingston says in his excellent Introduction, the Rhymes are a perfect mixture of lightheartedness and callousness that make them very funny.’ – Mrs. K. M. Hunt (reader) ContentsForeword by Virginia Graham
Introduction by Miles Kington THE POEMS Indifference Appreciation Father Aunt Eliza Amiability The New Profession Thoughtlessness Grandpapa Tender-Heartedness Mr Jones Compensation The Linguist The Siren Patience Holidays The Neighbours Perspective The Homes of London Necessity The Last Horsed ’Bus Lord Gorbals The Model Motorist Table Manners Luncheon Waste Dinner The Men from Blankley’s Providence Dancing The Battue of Berlin The Englishman’s Home The Sportsman Getting Up The Ideal Husband Love’s Handicap Mrs Christopher Columbus The Trucks of Truro The New Romance Good Sport The Busy Rich The Morning Slush Winter Sports L’Enfant Glacé Grandmama The Martyrdom of Fashion Dressing Plagues at the Play Creature Comforts The Choice A Plea for Ponto The Deserted Garden The Fallen Star The Cries of London The Postman and the Lift The Vacuum Cleaner The Cry of the Elders The Motriot Tragedy In-Laws Breakfast Bishop Prout The Traveller If…! Chance Opportunity Waste The Bath The Dirt Cure The Pest Calculating Clara Baby Canon Gloy The Poet's Life Envoi Author Harry Graham (1874-1936) was an establishment figure who didn’t quite fit the mould. He started off conventionally enough with Eton, Sandhurst and the Guards, but the irrepressible entertainer in him kept bursting out, and by 1910 he had become a full-time writer. He was engaged to the American actress Ethel Barrymore, great aunt of Drew Barrymore, but she added him to her list of spurned suitors, among them Winston Churchill. Four years later Graham married Dorothy Villiers. They had one daughter, Virginia, also a writer, whose correspondence with Joyce Grenfell was published in 2000.Preview SAMPLE COUPLETSIndifference When Grandmama fell off the boat, And couldn’t swim (and wouldn’t float)… Appreciation Auntie, did you feel no pain Falling from that willow tree? Father During dinner at the Ritz, Father kept on having fits… Aunt Eliza In the drinking-well Which the plumber built her… Amiability Though hearts by kindliness are won, Good-nature can be overdone… The New Profession He never was able to find a profession For which he was properly fitted… Thoughtlessness I never shall forget my shame To find my son had forged my name… Grandpapa Founder of a distinguished line, And worthy ancestor of mine! Tender-Heartedness Billy, in one of his nice new sashes, Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes… Mr Jones “There’s been an accident!” they said, “Your servant’s cut in half; he’s dead!” Compensation Weep not for little Léonie, Abducted by a French Marquis! The Linguist Charmé de vous voir içi! Never saw you looking better! The Siren She shouted: “Catch me if you can, sir!” And dived again like a merganser! Patience When skiing in the Engadine My hat blew off down a ravine… Holidays If we lounge at Ostend in a bar – If we sail a small dinghy at Dover... The Neighbours I fail so to appreciate The honour of a visit… Perspective “What is the Government about? And where are the Police?” The Homes of London The happy homes of London, How beautiful they stand! Necessity Late last night I slew my wife, Stretched her on the parquet flooring… The Last Horsed ’Bus Ancient Omnibus ungainly, We shall miss thee, day by day... Lord Gorbals He collided with a goatherd And a herd of forty goats… The Model Motorist Ye murderous, motoring scorchers, With manners of Gadarene hogs... Table Manners Let me tell you of my favourite Aunt Anna, Who (though eighty) is alert and full of fun... Luncheon My brother Fritz, one summer’s day, Was lunching with his fiancée… Waste I had written to Aunt Maud, Who was on a trip abroad... Dinner Young Henry Jones, a friend of mine, Once took a girl to dance and dine… The Men from Blankley’s The clock struck two as from the street There rose a sound, sublime, seraphic… Providence Fate moves in a mysterious way, As shown by Uncle Titus... Dancing Now the moral of my story, which I dwell on con amore, Is that dancing is no mere gymnastic game… The Battue of Berlin From left and right, in furious flight, The stags to slaughter came... The Englishman’s Home I was playing golf the day That the Germans landed... The Sportsman While herds of guilty chamois hang Their heads on ev’ry landing… Getting Up Though many men have made their mark By rising daily with the lark... The Ideal Husband When comes my time for mating, When Cupid shoots his bolt… Love’s Handicap How they ate petits fours Till she cried: “Au secours!” Mrs Christopher Columbus Her husband’s absence she enjoyed, Nor ever asked him where he went... The Trucks of Truro When these trucks go East of Truro, Then my heart will faithless be! The New Romance He drove superbly from the tee; Said Elsie: “That’s the man for me!” Good Sport The distant “honk” of homing goose, The savage roar of mating moose! The Busy Rich With seventy thousand a year, My work ev’ry moment grows more… The Morning How slowly do the mornings pass For members of that leisured class… Slush Dowered with the wealth of Ophir, Reared on costly caviare… Winter Sports The ice upon our pond’s so thin That poor Mama has fallen in! L’Enfant Glacé When Baby’s cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire… Grandmama She married Grandpapa (although She much preferred another beau… The Martyrdom of Fashion Ah, who can view without compassion This modern Martyrdom of Fashion? Dressing Some people take an hour to dress; It can be done in rather less… Plagues at the Play “Well-dressed,” and well-fed, and well-meaning (God knows!), They arrive when the play is half ended… Creature Comforts I fed the ducks, reproved my wife, Played Handel’s Largo on the fife… The Choice “Gladly, to save the best of bow-wows, I’d sacrifice,” she sobbed, “my spou-ouse!” A Plea for Ponto I’ve yet to hear the mention Of a surgical invention That can justify experiments on DOGS… The Deserted Garden There is a garden in our square, And householders can have the key… The Fallen Star When Ada Stew was seventeen No shyer girl was ever seen… The Cries of London No more, when autumn days draw near, Do songs of “Lavender!” rise clear… The Postman and the Lift My word! How Aunt Eliza sniff’d! She met a postman in the lift! The Vacuum Cleaner Though Time of “Old Masters” denude us, Though strangers our treasures annex… The Cry of the Elders O my Children, we, the older generation, At whose feet you ought (in theory) to sit… The Motriot It was chickens, chickens, all the way, With children crossing the road like mad… Tragedy That morning, when my wife eloped With James, our chauffeur, how I moped! In-Laws When first I set up house with Jane Her parents were of great assistance… Breakfast The perfect breakfast, all must own, Is that which man enjoys alone… Bishop Prout In Burma, once, while Bishop Prout Was preaching on Predestination… The Traveller Back in Basingstoke to-day, Aunt Maud still dreams about Bombay… If…! I went to Holland (Amsterdam), For that’s the sort of man I am… Chance And here they built their castles in the sand And listened to the Borough Council Band… Opportunity When Mrs Gorm (Aunt Eloise) Was stung to death by savage bees… Waste Our governess – would you believe It? – drowned herself on Christmas Eve! The Bath Broad is the Gate and wide the Path That leads man to his daily bath… The Dirt Cure Unkempt and a sloven, in rooms like an oven, I lead a most healthy existence… The Pest With passion fierce and uncontrolled I loathe the man who’s got a cold! Calculating Clara O’er the rugged mountain’s brow Clara threw the twins she nursed… Baby Mother said, “Oh, stop a bit! This is overdoing it!” Canon Gloy One morning, just as Canon Gloy Was starting gaily for the station… The Poet's Life The noblest bards have all required A tragic source from which to borrow… Envoi Behold how tenderly I treat Each victim of my pen and brain… Click here to read four full Harry Graham poems. |
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| WILD ESCAPE COMPETITION |
 Sheldrake Press, publishers of the Wild Guides, are running a travel writing competition this month. Share one of your wild travel experiences with us for a chance to be published on our web-site and win a set of guides to Italy, Britain and Ireland. |
| Read more... |
| CAN YOU WRITE A RUTHLESS RHYME? |
| Are you a budding writer or a keen poet? Would you like to see your work published on-line? We are running a competition to find the best short poem in the style of a Ruthless Rhyme, a humorous verse form invented by Harry Graham. |
| Read more... |
Quote of the Week
Tender-Heartedness
'Billy, in one of his nice new sashes,
Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes;
Now, although the room grows chilly,
I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.'
– When Grandmama Fell Off The Boat: The Best of Harry Graham, Inventor of Ruthless Rhymes
'Billy, in one of his nice new sashes,
Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes;
Now, although the room grows chilly,
I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.'
– When Grandmama Fell Off The Boat: The Best of Harry Graham, Inventor of Ruthless Rhymes
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